(Notes from a Black Girl is only offered to our premium subscribers. The column features commentary, self-realization, behind-the-scenes stories, videos, and images from my journey of self-discovery as I travel across the country telling stories and sharing experiences.)

I really don’t care for my kids’ father.

That’s just me being fully transparent about how I feel.

At one point I joined media hype about Black men and fatherhood including claims that they abandon their children and are all deadbeats. This conclusion wasn’t just based on my ex-husband’s interaction with my children but also on my once strained relationship with my late father (more about that later).

But in looking at my circle of male friends who are fathers and Black, my conclusions are simply not true. It was definitely a hard pill to swallow and a level of honesty to say that I chose a man who just didn’t know how to be a father to my children or the two he had prior to meeting me.

Understand, that he is not only their father. He was also my husband. A union that ended on paper after eight years of marriage. We were separated for a couple of years before our divorce was final.

I’m not admitting this to throw him under the bus. I mean, I’m not perfect either but I can say that I am a kick-ass mom.

What I can also say is that most of my Black male friends who are fathers take care of their children. Some of them are even married and they love their wives. My friend Martin, took full custody of his son when the boy came into his teenage years. Leon loves his daughters and actively engages with them daily. I can’t leave out Vondell who not only paid four figures in child support but also provided financial support for his son outside of the monthly support he was obligated to provide.

My friend Purnell steps in the gap for me with my children. He’s so committed that even his wife shows my babies love. Then there is Royce who is holding it down for his girls. And I can’t forget about Murdock who simply adores his daughter. My list can go on and on with examples of Black men who are not only fathers but they enjoy it.

I had to take a step back to look at myself and ask how did I choose this guy?

There are a number of reasons why including I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship, my daddy wasn’t around so I had no idea what I was looking for in a man or a relationship and I really didn’t have any male role models in my life to help me on my relationship journey.

This makes me fearful for my children. Will my daughter struggle in relationships like I did or like I do? Will my son repeat his father’s mistakes?

I have to admit, I’m sometimes jealous of other mothers. I see them celebrating their kids’ fathers. I had very little to no celebration on Father’s Day. My June 19th was met with tears from my daughter after failed daddy promises and the bitterness of not having a father in my life that didn’t fall prey to alcoholism, mental illness, and ultimately death.

This month I spent time with some very cool dads that lead me down an emotional rollercoaster and probably on a journey to some much-needed therapy.

I also wonder, how many folks are out there like me? June couldn’t end fast enough.